And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
