Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
