Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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