I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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