John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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