We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
