JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
