Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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