Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
