I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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