I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
