oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
