I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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