Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
