I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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