I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
