everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
In America we eat man semen.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
