I accidentally had phone sex last night
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
