All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I did not marry a roomba.
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