yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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