I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
