You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
