it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
