Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
