She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
