It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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