I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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