Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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