So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Also, beer. Big fan.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
