i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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