my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
