Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
