i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
