it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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