i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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