I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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