I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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