so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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