a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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