worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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