Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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