Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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