You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
