Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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