I just saw a hot homeless man
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
