You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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