Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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