apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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