why do cheetos always look like penises
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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