There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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